Positive Traits

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Is Your Attitude in Check?

A few months ago we moved across the country. While I told God I was open to going wherever, the place He picked for us was one of the last places I ever wanted to end up. And while we’re close to a lot of big cities, we’re currently living in a rural and the nearest town is definitely in a state of disrepair. I went from, “I’ll go where you send me” to “Why on Earth would you send me here?!” While outwardly I put on a brave face, during our first couple months here I noticed my attitude slipping big time. I was snippy with my husband. I was frustrated with my kids. I was crying for no reason. I was getting annoyed and angry with the smallest things. I was lonely, missed my friends, and didn’t see how I would possibly make any new friends here. We started attending a new church and while I liked it fine and the people were friendly, no one was really jumping to get to know us and it definitely wasn’t like the place we’d called home for the past 3 years.

Of course, you all know all about that, right? Every few years, you’ve got to start over again. For an introvert like me, it’s extremely hard to adjust to a new place and make new friends.

Proverbs 17:22 says, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”  My spirit was crushed and my bones were definitely dry. But in the midst of my little pity party, God caught me and said, “You need to get your attitude in check.”

God reminded me that I may not be in total control of my current situation, but that my frustration didn’t give me a reason to let my attitude get out of control. Philippians 4:8-9 says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

When we let our attitudes get out of control we’re not focusing on what is true, what is honorable, what is just, what is pure, what is lovely, what is commendable, or what is worthy of praise. But if we start to focus on those things, not only will we start to get our attitudes back in check, but we’re promised that the God of peace will be with us.

Isaiah 26:3 says, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you” and Psalm 14:18-19 says, “When I thought, “My foot slips,” your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.”

How true that is. The moment I got my attitude in check, my days started to get better. I still don’t have any new Facebook friends and I still feel a bit lonely at times, but God’s reminder about my attitude has helped me to focus on making the most of this new situation instead of wallowing in self-pity.

 

 

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Mercy

At church, the pastor has been preaching about the beatitudes. A few weeks ago he got to, “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy” and shared the parable of the parable of the unmerciful servant (Matt. 18:21-35).

32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’”

How often do we refuse to extend mercy to others, forgetting the mercy Christ extended to us?

For me, I know it’s fairly often. People get on my nerves. They offend me. They don’t do things the way I’d like them to. They refuse to own up to their actions and apologize when they’ve done something wrong and they probably never will. But that doesn’t let me off the hook when it comes to extending mercy.

Matt Redman’s song “Mercy” is part of the regular worship set at our church and I catch my singing it sometimes throughout the day as a reminder to always be merciful. After all, Christ has shown endless mercy to me.

 

Leave a comment Posted on Attitude, Love, Negative Traits, Positive Traits

A Big Responsibility

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During my freshman year of college, I joined a local campus ministry group and really grew in my faith. I was learning so much and starting to shape my life to better fit what I thought it meant to be a Christian. Of course, since I was becoming more like what I thought a Christian should be, I felt like everyone else in my family needed to do the same and I went home for Christmas break with that thought in mind.

On Christmas Eve, we started to go to church like we always did on Christmas Eve and my sister didn’t want to go. My new legalistic mindset couldn’t comprehend the idea of not wanting to go to church on Christmas Eve and so I called her a heathen. I don’t think I really even knew what the word heathen meant, but I felt like it was the right term at the time.

I don’t know if my sister even remembers that moment, but I do. In my life there are a few moments I’m ashamed of and it has always been up there at the top.

Why does it matter? Because for a good portion of her life, my sister has been fairly indifferent about God and while I don’t know if I have anything to do with it, I certainly haven’t helped. In our family, she’s the fairly calm one. She doesn’t let things bother her, she goes along with the flow, and just tries to keep from rocking the boat. Nothing is really that big of a deal. I’m the one who causes trouble, gets into arguments with my mom, didn’t attend my mom’s wedding to a man I didn’t like and still just barely tolerate, and even spent almost a year not talking to my mom.  And I’m the one who is a Christian. If I was my sister and saw that’s what a Christian looked like, I wouldn’t be racing to become a Christian either.

None of us is perfect. That’s why we need Jesus. But when it comes to being a Christian and encouraging others to be Christians, we have a big responsibility.

My freshman year self thought that responsibility came in the form of telling everyone what they were supposed to be doing and calling them out for things like not being baptized or not wanting to go to church. My today self knows that the responsibility comes in the form of loving people.

Am I going to complain some? Yes. Am I going to not like some people? Most likely. Am I going to make mistakes? Absolutely. But when my family and the other people I come into contact with on a regular basis think of me, I want them to remember less of the bad and more of the good. Because if they connect me with Christianity, then what they think of me will often become what they think of Christians in general and if they don’t think very highly of Christians in general, then they’re less likely to ever want to be one.

Leave a comment Posted on Attitude, Encouragement, Loneliness, Selfishness, Support

Come Out of Hiding

Recently I read a post from a friend who talked about how she had been in hiding for most of her husband’s last duty station. Not that she was hunkered down in a basement somewhere or cut off from the world, but that she kept herself from doing certain things like going to the park or even going to church because her husband was gone and she didn’t want the reminder or to put on display that he wasn’t there.

On the other side of the coin, last year, when my husband’s ship was deployed, a group of wives from the ship got together and headed to the Navy ball without their husbands. There may have been a few moments of sadness as they watched other sailors dance with their significant others, but for the most part, they had the time of their lives.

As military wives, we have two choices – we can put our lives on hold while our husbands are away and say “I’m not going to do something because that makes me sad or because I don’t want my husband to miss it” or we can use the time to live our lives.

During my husband’s 9 months of deployment, my kids and I took a lot of mini trips, headed to lots of fairs and festivals, and even just did every day things like going to the park and heading to church every Sunday. Was it hard sometimes to see dad’s playing with their kids at the park and wish my husband could be there too? Sure, but I bet dad was the last thing on my four-year-old’s mind as he raced around the playground.  Did I wish my husband could stand beside me at church as I worshipped on Sunday mornings? Of course, but I also recognized how much support I got from our church family and focused more on God during those moments.

I’m not writing this to shame my friend. On the radio the other day, the host was talking about a woman who posted about her struggles with anorexia and commented “how beautiful it was that she could share her struggles in the hopes of encouraging others” and I feel the same way about what my friend posted. How beautiful it is that she could admit that she somewhat holed away while her husband was gone so that, in turn, other wives could recognize that maybe they were currently in that place and be encouraged to get out and enjoy the moment.

When we sit at home, in a way, we’re wallowing in self pity. “Woe is me, my husband is gone, things just aren’t the same without him.”

In 1 Kings 19:4-15, Elijah focuses on his circumstances, physically exhausts himself, and prays that he will die. What was God’s response? An angel came and said, “Get up and eat” and he got up and was strengthened enough to walk for 40 more days.

Sometimes when we’re feeling a bit down or disappointed that our spouses can’t be there for every moment, we need to call on God for the strength to get up and get out there anyway.

Deuteronomy 32:10-11 says, “In a desert land he found him, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded him and cared for him; he guarded him as the apple of his eye, 11like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them aloft.”

If you’re in hiding, come out. It won’t be easy, but you have God, and the support of others who have been there, to help you live right now.

Leave a comment Posted on Attitude, Contentment, Support

Seeking Validation

Every few weeks, a new blog post goes viral. It’s the mom writing a letter to the mom on the iPhone or another mom writing a response to the mom writing the letter to the mom on the iPhone. It’s the post about having sex with your husband every day and the posts about why another woman is not going to possibly have sex with her husband every day. We read and share these posts like crazy on Facebook and Twitter.

Why?

Because we love validation.

Doesn’t it feel to good to see a blog post going viral that supports the decisions we make on a daily basis. We share it so we can see others comment with “right on!” or “this is SO true,” further validating the choices we’ve made.

The good thing about the internet is, whatever we’re doing, we can usually find someone who shares our viewpoint and does the same things we do.

There’s something to be said for sharing with one another and supporting one another as a form of building each other up, but there’s another thing to be said for needing others to validate the choices and decisions we make in our lives.

We do it in other ways too. That employee treated me poorly, so I’m going to post about it, mostly to hear people say “yeah, that employee really was in the wrong” or someone says I’m not good enough, so I’m going to post about it just to get people to comment “ignore them, you’re awesome.”

When I taught middle school, my students used to come me and say things like “so and so said I was dumb” or “so and so said I was fat.”  My response would always be, “Well, are you?” If the answer was “no,” I’d respond with, “well, then what does it matter?” They were only coming to me to get someone to validate that they were wronged or to get the other person in trouble and they were also basing their self-worth on what someone else said about them.

Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Do you spend more time comparing your life with the opinions of viral blog posts and people on social media than you do comparing it with the instructions in the Bible?

In Galatians 1:10, Paul says, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Our human nature craves validation, but we don’t need to get that validation by sharing viral blog posts or ranting on Facebook. We can get that validation from God and know that whatever we do, if we’re following Him and His word, we’re okay.

Leave a comment Posted on Negative Traits, Positive Traits, Rest, Stress

Get Some Rest!

What do you do all day? Sit around in your pajamas, relaxing in your “free” housing and eating your “free” food? That certainly would be nice, but it’s not always reality. Some of you work. Some of you have kids. Some of you work and have kids. Some of you go to school. And while doing all of that, you hold down the fort. That means keeping track of the bills, so that you’re not clueless when he goes away, making sure uniforms get washed (how many loads does it take to get rid of that work smell anyway?!), fixing dinner, and all the other tasks that come with being a wife and keeping your home from becoming a disaster zone. With all that’s on your plate, do you also make sure to schedule in time to rest?

No, this isn’t about getting 8 hours of sleep a night, although that would be nice too. It’s about finding a little bit of quiet sometime during the day to sit down, put your feet up, and take your mind off everything you have to worry about and everything you have to get done.

God understands the importance of rest. He created the world, and then he rested. In the Old Testament, he instructed people to rest by encouraging them to remember the Sabbath. Even Jesus talked about rest saying “Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).

But, you say, “I don’t have time to rest. I have to do this and the kids have to be here and my husband needs me to take care of that and I have to make dinner and we have to go meet those people and there’s that paperwork to fill out and…”

Do you love God? Do you trust God? If so, then trust Him and know that everything will still work out okay if you take a few moments to rest.

The laundry that needs done can wait a few minutes. It’s okay to let the local pizza place or the ready-made section at the grocery store make dinner once a week. Your kids will survive if they don’t participate in an activity every single night of the week or if you get someone else to drive them instead. Your husband will be fine to run an errand or two after he gets home without you tagging along too.

Rest.

Relax.

Take a deep breath.

If you’re stressed, take a moment to pray and ask God to take your worries away.

Pick up your Bible and read a little bit.

Not quite ready for that? Turn on the TV and catch up on an episode of your favorite show or put on some of your favorite music and just enjoy listening to it. The important part is to be still.

If that seems nearly impossible, look for other moments during your day when you can rest. Do you have a few moments in the car before you have to clock in to work or before you pick up the kids from school?  Do you have time to kill while the kids are at practice? Maybe you want to start getting up with your husband in the mornings and can find some quiet time right after he leaves for work.

Psalm 127:2 says, “It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.”

Are you someone who rises early and goes to bed late, toiling all day long? Sleep at the end of the day is wonderful, but so is rest and relaxation during the day. Don’t get so caught up in all you have to do that you forget to stop and take care of yourself.

When can you find some time to rest today?

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A Quiet Spirit

Homecoming starts to approach and you frantically start the search for the perfect homecoming outfit. After not seeing your spouse for six months… a year… maybe even longer, you want to look good. News Flash! The guy hasn’t seen you in months — whatever you’re wearing will look good!

Of course there’s nothing wrong with wanting to wear something nice to make the day a little more special or even just to get all dolled up every now and then, but when your outward beauty becomes your sole focus, you lose a bit of the beauty God intended for you.

1 Peter 3:3-4 “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles or the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”

What does that mean as a military wife? Well, it’s a lot more than not being afraid to step outside without makeup while wearing yoga pants. It’s all about how you present yourself in the community.

A gentle and quiet spirit is not bashing other spouses on military message boards. It’s not complaining about your husband’s command publicly. It’s not snapping at people because you’ve had a rough day or getting angry with your husband for something trivial while he’s away.

A wife with a gentle and quiet spirit avoids getting angry when it’s not justified and, when angry, seeks to resolve matters in a cool, calm and collected manner.

A wife with a gentle and quiet spirit holds in her opinions when she knows expressing them won’t help the situation and kindly inserts them when they will.

A wife with a gentle and quiet spirit doesn’t grumble at the end of the day when she has finally put the kids to bed and wants to crawl into bed herself, but still has to do a load of laundry, clean up from dinner, and take care of a million other things around the house while her husband is gone.

A wife with a gentle and quiet spirit doesn’t let her situation overwhelm her, but rather seeks God’s strength and support when she starts to feel like she’s becoming overwhelmed.

It’s not about trying to force an introvert into an extrovert’s body. In fact, it has little to do with personality at all and more to do with how you handle your personality and how you express yourself.

Do you stress out your husband by sending an e-mail vent at the end of every day? Do other people get stressed from being around you because you embody negativity? Do they ignore your complaints, your opinions, and your advice because you’ve got something to say about everything and you don’t always say it very nicely?

A wife with a gentle and quiet spirit is kind to her husband and others around her.

A wife with a gentle and quiet spirit speaks when she can offer something of value (and realizes every thread in a Facebook group doesn’t need a comment from her).

A wife with a gentle and quiet spirit understands that she’s not the only one whose opinion matters.

A wife with a gentle and quiet spirit knows that everyone has a rough day or says or does things they regret every now and then.

A wife with a gentle and quiet spirit is generally positive and seeks God’s support when she’s feeling negative.

A wife with a gentle and quiet spirit knows that military life comes with enough general stress and drama so she seeks to keep additional stress and drama out of her marriage, her life, and the lives of her friends.

A wife of gentle and quiet spirit asks – Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Will it build someone up? before speaking and acting.

So go ahead and look for that perfect homecoming outfit, but let your beauty on the outside be trumped by your beauty on the inside.

Leave a comment Posted on Loneliness, Support, Uncategorized

You’re Not the Only One

As a military wife and mother of young kids, one of the things I hear the most is, “I don’t know how you do it.” It, of course, refers to holding down the fort while my husband is away. Some take it further and compare me to a single mother, although I’m quick to remind them that while I may not have my husband home, I have his support and income to help while he’s away. Regardless of how they word it, I never know quite how to respond. Is it as easy as I make it look? Of course not, but it’s a part of life, and it’s actually a part of life for more than just military wives.

Every day moms, and even dads, must run the show while their spouses are away. While people recognize the hard work I do, they don’t often stop and tell my friend whose husband works random hours at a grocery store that she’s doing a good job or encourage another friend whose husband spends a few months every year working on the pipeline in Alaska. They don’t notice the friend who never sees her husband because they both have to work conflicting schedules in order to make ends meet either.

Sometimes it’s so easy to become consumed by our reality that we don’t stop to look at the reality of those around us. We can go months without our spouses, but that mom whose husband goes back to work after she has just had a new baby may be struggling even more than us. The wife whose husband has left for his first business trip may really be struggling with loneliness. The woman who only gets to see her husband as she’s climbing into bed after a long night of work may be longing for a little quality time with him.

Does that make what we do any less amazing? Does it make what we do seem any easier? Of course not, but it does give us the opportunity to pull away from our reality and start supporting someone else in theirs. We’re often the ones getting encouragement, but we should also be the ones doling out the encouragement to others.

The Bible tells us to encourage others too…

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as you are doing.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace…” – 1 Peter 4:8-10

Why does it matter?

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” – Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

We can use our experience and the strength we’ve developed to build up other military wives and other wives and mothers who are struggling while their spouses are away, whether they’re away for 8 months or 8 hours. By doing so, we’ll take the focus off ourselves and our struggles.

Look around you. Who can you provide some support and encouragement to today?

 

Leave a comment Posted on Selfishness, Thankfulness

Gimme! Gimme!

It’s back to school time and, in many areas, that means back to school school supply drives from Operation Homefront and other organizations that support military families. As military families, we’re so blessed to participate in back to school drives and holiday events. We’re fortunate to get free admission to museums during the summer and head to SeaWorld, Busch Gardens, or Sesame Place for free during the summer. We get money off meals, discounted movie tickets, and 10% off at many major retailers who offer a military discount.

Unfortunately, instead of feeling thankful, many wives take advantage of this extension of goodwill. You know you’ve seen it at the Operation Homefront events where families try to sneak one of each of the good toys instead of following the “one per child” policy. Some even complain when a particular business doesn’t offer a military discount, as if not offering one fails to show proper respect for the military. After all, our spouses put their lives on the line to protect our country while we proudly hold down the fort at home. We deserve a military discount, right?

Wrong.

In Luke 17:11-19, Jesus talks about the ten lepers. After he cleansed them, only one of the ten came back to say thank you. The others went on their way, likely feeling as though Jesus was a man who performed miracles and, therefore, they were entitled to the miracle. No need to say thanks.

Often, rather than being thankful, we’re often like the nine lepers who went on their merry way. Thom Rainer, the president and CEO of LifeWay Christian Resources says, “If I feel entitled, I complain about my job. If I am thankful, I am grateful to have a job. If I feel entitled, I complain about the meal, I’m eating. If I am thankful, I am grateful to have food on the table.”  His list continues, clearly defining the difference between entitlement and thankfulness.

What would a similar list look like for the military wife?

If I feel entitled, I complain about the lack of a military discount.
If I am thankful, I take time to thank the companies who generously offer one to me.

If I feel entitled, I hoard free items at annual back to school and Christmas events.
If I am thankful, I take what I need, being sure to leave plenty for others.

If I feel entitled, I cause a nuisance and make excessive demands on those providing a free service.
If I am thankful, I embrace the opportunity and tell those involved how grateful I am.

Do any of those describe you? Do you find yourself feeling more entitled than thankful when you’re given free things or discounts just for being a military wife?

There’s nothing wrong with these freebies and discounts. There’s not even anything wrong with looking forward to them. However, we must be sure to approach them with the right attitude – an attitude of thankfulness.

James 1:17 reminds us that, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”

Colossians 3:15 gives us a simple command, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.”

Be thankful. Say thank you to those offering freebies and discounts. Take time to write thank you notes or send pictures to organizations like Operation Homefront, the American Legion, and others who provide freebies and events for military families. We’re not entitled to it. They don’t have to do it, but we’re so thankful that they do.